Double Jeopardy

You're not playing by the book. Your next move, unpredictable. Your agenda, unsettling. Your thoughts, puzzling. Your strategy, compelling. You're drawing me in, little by little, and it's killing me to fight it off. It's killing me to fight you off. I've been crying out for someone to help me. It's too late for me to say that I wish I could take it back. So what are you waiting for? Give up on me, pull the plug. Stop messing with me.
I didn't want to admit it but I'm looking at a Never on a calendar. Chance brings me to something I wrote some time ago. Take a look...

"Will it take a little time? Will it take a long time? Do you think I could do it again? Should I read between the lines just in case I just might need my fix later?I sometimes wonder if you wonder the same things. My mind wanders off at night mostly. When I go to sleep. Before I wake up. During my day. While I walk down the street. While I eat. When I shower. When I listen to music. When I talk to random people about random-everyday things. While I listen to music. I can't listen to the music that used to make me want to dream. The music that used to take me to-and-through so much. Need is a cagey little bastard. 


Incredible how it works, isn't it? Do you think they've found a cure for it yet? Do you want it back? Do I want it back? Do you want to go back to the way it was? Do I? Is it gone? Was it even there to begin with? How did it begin? Was it love? 

This question is eating the heart out of me. Was it the real thing? Are you a liar? Everyone lies, I understand that, but did you "lie" lie? I'm asking so that I don't continue believing that there's something terribly wrong or broken about me and the way I live things out. If it was love, do you want to feel it again? Can you tell me how things happened for you? It would make things so much easier to process. I strongly believe that I could somehow piece it all together so that it can make some sense of it. I need this blur to clear up and turn it into something common, force myself to believe that it happens to everyday-people living everyday-lives. I need it not to feel special anymore."

There are no words to describe it to be perfectly honest with you. These feelings won't go away no matter what I do. I keep thinking that time will make them go away, eventually. Each time I pick myself up you figure out a way to make it all come back.

I can't be the one you come running to when you get bored.  No more trying to make it work either. Everybody keeps saying "WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE IT ALONE?!". The thing is, I don't think that I can let go. Holding on to this foolish hope somewhere deep down and in the corners of my mind. You see, I've got the patience that most lack! I need you to stop talking to me because my patience will soon run out. It will run out to the point where I'll get back on my saddle and hype up my game mode. I'd love to continue deluding myself into thinking that there is nothing I can do to fix it. My lights don't glow the same way they used to. I've got to get them up and running again. It's too much of an effort for me to fight myself off. Getting back on track is a bitch (to be completely honest with you) when you're not keeping up your end of the bargain. Don't get me wrong. I can play the game all too well, only, this time around, there's too much at stake.


What I'm basically trying to say is....well...LEAVE ME ALONE.  You're taking up too much space. It's too dangerous to be in the vicinity of you. It's been a while since you got it like this, I bet. I wonder if you know you were supposed to have been replaced by now. If I were to take my heart's advice I would only assume it's still unsteady, waiting for tomorrow but caught somewhere in between.