Curtea de Arges. Day 01

Curtea de Arges

Day 1

Gandesc. Gandesc mult. Gandesc mult si uneori degeaba. Gandesc uneori distructiv. Gandesc uneori productiv. Drumul spre Curtea de Arges a fost destul de lin, calm. Listening to heartbreaking songs all the way through (not by personal choice but by association) helped me take my mind off of everyday issues. 

M.am gandit la felul in care s.a desfasurat ultimul an pentru mine. M.am gandit la viitorul meu. M-am gandit la prezentul meu. M.am gandit la trecutul meu (in this exact order). M-am gandit la ce mi-ar placea sa fac, la ce ma vad facand si la ceea ce am facut pana acum. 

This entire thinking process was rudely interrupted by my lovely mother as she bit into a scrumptiously delicious peach. Hearing her teeth penetrating the mouthwatering fruit makes me lose focus. M.am revoltat at first, mi-am pierdut cumpatul. Faptul ca nu pot manca si eu acest fruct doare. Ea totusi ma intelege and I continue my train of thought. 

Where was I? Oh yes, where I want to be, where I am and where I had been. I want to go to distance every second of every hour of every day of every week of every month of every year of every decade of every century. Where I am is here and now. Here and now is a nifty little place. Here and now is a place that I can't really put my finger on. Here and now is a highly dangerous place. I'm gaining perspective. I'm gaining focus. I'm gaining strength. I'm gaining confidence. I'm regaining confidence lost. I'm regaining thoughts forgotten. I'm regaining facial expressions. I'm regaining space. I'm regaining rhythm. Cam la asta se rezuma prezentul meu. Cel putin partea teoretico-productiva. 

The niftyness of this 'here and now' situation kicks in, in the 'now'. My 'now' as opposed to my 'here' is a little sad. You see, in my 'here' I find a constant development, whether it's due to my glorious thinking process or my victorious outcomes of winning multiple arguments with myself, it can still be considered development. In my 'now' however ma lovesc de perete. Sau nu. Let me rephrase. Ma lovesc de pereti. Ma lovesc de voi. Da, voi. Si ma lovesc tare. Si oricat as incerca sa neg treaba asta, doare. Si doare tare. Si pe cat de tare doare pe atat de repede imi dau seama ca va loviti voi de mine. Nu va stau in cale. Ma loviti deliberat. Ma loviti pentru ca va las. La asta ma gandesc in my 'now'. There ain't no feeling better than feeling I'll tell you this much. And I'm feeling every hit you throw my way, whether deliberate or unintentional. I am struggling to put my finger on it. Why? 

The air in the car isn't enough. I open the car window at 140 kilometers per hour. I rest my head on my folded arms and let the air penetrate my brain at full speed. I feel the air getting heavier, I'm beginning to feel, a numbing feeling spreads from my fingertips to my eyelashes, I'd like to take the time to love your body, kiss and hug your body. My mother's hand touches my cheek and my eyes burst open causing my body to feel a slight jolt. Just in the nick of time. Ma uit la ea, ea se uita la mine, imi spune ca ma iubeste, ii spun ca o iubesc si inchid geamul. That was close. She caught me just as I was about to fall. Oprim in parcarea unui supermarket. 

At last, sunset. Am impartit niste mini BakeRolls cu pate de ficat. Am descoperit cat de delicioase sunt junk-food-urile atunci cand le mananci cu mama ta. 30 more minutes to go until we reach our final destination. The following discussion takes place:

Ea: Te-ai gandit la casatorie? Vrei?

Mama: Vai de mine.(simt cum i se relaxeaza intregul corp langa mine asteptand un raspuns pertinent). Nu acum cel putin.

Eu: Ceea ce vreau momentan este o gura mare de aer.

Ea: Asa sunt vremurile in ziua de azi. Pe la 30 de ani in colo nu?

Eu: Nu stiu cat de mult s-au schimbat vremurile. E greu sa cauti lucrurile potrivite in locuri nepotrivite. E destul de greu sa gasesti o persoana cu care sa traiesti momente adevarate.

El: Da, ai dreptate, trebuie mai intai sa sclipeasca ceva acolo, un Audi Q7 ceva!

Ea: Haide mah termina!

El: Bine, hai, poate am exagerat, un Golf!

Ea: Adevarul e ca nici nu mai stii la ce se arunca tinerii din ziua de azi.

El: Doar nu te astepti sa te pupe si sa tresara ceva in tine sau sa ti se ridice un picior asa cum vezi in filme

Mama: Sau sa iti tremure genunchii

El: Nu se intampla lucrurile asa

Eu: Mie mi sa intamplat

El: Ce ti sa intamplat?

Eu: Mi-au tremurat genunchii, s-au format cratere in stomac.

Ea: Lasa, mai bine pe la 30 de ani in colo.

Enter a full frontal Vaya Con Dios.

Ajungem in fata casei, I throw my head back si raman asa cca un minut. Nu am mai vazut atatea stele de foarte mult timp. We grab our bags si imi aleg camera de la capatul scarilor. I throw on a sweater and jolt down the stairs and back to the front yard. I pull my hood up over my head and lay down on the concrete separating the deck from the yard. I'm staring into the night, into the abiss. Pentru prima oara in viata mea imi pare rau ca nu recunosc toate constelatiile. I begin counting the stars and I smile. I had already lost count. Vad 6 sau 7 lilieci. I see a shooting star, or what seems to look like a shooting star. Impossible, it's too bright, moving too slow. I look for alternating lights of what would seem to be a plane. None. I make my wish out loud so that I hear it as opposed to simply thinking it. I see another 3 bats a little closer than I should so I tuck my hair back into my hood. Mai vad o stea cazatoare. This night just went down in The History Of Me. Imi pun si a doua dorinta, tot cu voce tare, si zambesc.

Could it be that you're no longer part of my wish list?

SHOOT ON SIGHT! REWARD!

 - Has demented gaze

 - Has marked devotion to brown shirts and old trench-coat

 - Has tendency to become hysterical on slight provocation

 - Has been known to throw himself on the floor and gnaw rugs

 - Is sadistic, malicious, bombastic, vengeful, mystical, maniacal, addicted to public hysteria, suffers from dreams of persecution

 - IF captured, dead or alive, the reward will be freedom for the entire world and peace for all nations!




I'm throwing in a box of oreos for those of you that can figure out who I'm talking about!

RPS? I don't think so!

It has been debated for quite some time now that in a game of Rock Paper Scissors, players familiar to eachother will tie 75%-80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. Therefore, I suggest...drum roll please

Rock Paper Scissors Lizard Spock 

1. Scissors cuts Paper

2. Paper crushes Rock

3. Rock crushes Lizard

4. Lizard poisons Spock

5. Spock smashes Lizard

6. Scissors decapitates Lizard

7. Lizard eats Paper

8. Paper disproves Rock

9. Spock vaporizes Rock

And...as it always has

10. Rock crushes Scissors 

Enjoy darlings...It's on now!

For those of you that just don't know!

Adam Yosef

An Idiot's Guide to Ramadan

By Adam Yosef

Lots of frequently asked questions answered by Adam, about the most important event in the Islamic calendar.

Ramadan, What does this mean?

Ramadan is the 9th month of the Islamic calendar.  It's when Muslims all over the world spend 30 days observing fast and bettering themselves in principles of faith.

Observing fast?  Is that something to do with running, then?

No.

Oh, what is it then?

Observing fast, or fasting, is when a person abstains (or keeps away) from eating and drinking.

What, you don't eat or drink anything?  Don't you get hungry?  I know I would.

Yes, that's the idea.  We fast for 30 consecutive days during the month of Ramadan.

30 days?  No one can go 30 days without food and drink-or can they?

No, that's right, which is why Muslims only fast during daylight hours.  Once the fast for each day ends, they are allowed to eat again.

Adam: What, no food? Not even an apple?

Then, what's the point of fasting?

The reason Muslims fast is to discipline their body and mind.  The absence of food and drink and other pleasures provides a perfect opportunity to concentrate on prayer and worship.  Not having the luxuries of life to hand makes it easier to reflect on life and be grateful for what we do have.  Muslims use this month to start afresh and give their life a new direction?

What kind of direction?

Many Muslims use Ramadan to make resolutions, similar to New Year's resolutions.  It is a time when they decide how they want to live their life for the next year and try  their very best to adhere to their new commitments.

Commitments...?

Yes, like greater commitment to God and faith.  Ramadan is a time when Muslims can introduce practices into their life to reflect their religious identity.  A lot of Muslims have a desire to pray more and learn more about Islam.  Others wish to be better and nicer people while some want to learn Qur'anic Arabic to better their understanding of the Holy Book.  For these people, Ramadan is the best opportunity to begin this grand affair with something so personal and spiritually enlightening.

Can't they do it at any other time... why Ramadan?

Ramadan is a blessed month ordained by God.  It is the month in which Satan
and his minions are said to be locked away in Hell to prevent them from misleading, deceiving and whispering in the ears of believers. 

This doesn't mean that sin and bad deeds will completely disappear for a month but it
will mean that if bad deeds are done and sins committed, they will be from the hearts of people alone and the devil cannot be blamed. 

Adam: Sorry, no music and movies

However, God has promised the people that the reward for good deeds and actions during the holy month will be multiplied greater than usual and this encourages many to increase their level of worship and prayer.  Although, this also applies to sins and so any naughty actions only invite greater punishment than usual.

Ramadan does make it easier for Muslims to observe their faith though, largely because all Muslims are following the same pattern and so they are always offering each other moral support and encouraging each other to do better.  Ramadan brings people much closer than normal as they forgive each other for any misdemeanours of the past, forge new and positive relationships and treat each other with greater respect.

What else do Muslims do in Ramadan?

Well, aside from fasting, they pray more.  Muslims should pray five times a day anyway and go to the mosque but many find this difficult so Ramadan helps them to fulfill these practices and in many cases, stick to them long after Ramadan is over.  Muslims also read the Qur'an more and understand and share their religious teachings.  They also learn to abstain from bad habits and minor and major sins and hopefully continue with the effort when Ramadan is over too.

What kind of bad habits are we talking about?

Many people are always trying to give up things that they know are bad for them or things that make God angry.  These are usually things that are not good for people and not good for those around them and so people use Ramadan as the time to drop these ills.  It is debatable as to what is considered a bad habit or deed but because Ramadan is observed as a religious obligation, most use religious teachings to determine what is right and what is wrong.

So, what's the really bad stuff then?

A number of things.  Practices like smoking, swearing, drinking alcohol and abusing drugs, treating people with disrespect and being mean, harming or hurting living things, being cruel, un-courteous and selfish.  There's a whole host of things, many of them universally accepted as 'unhealthy'.

Adam: It's the Kaa'ba!

What else is banned during Ramadan?

For Muslims, some things are prohibited all the time, not just in Ramadan but if abstinence isn't being observed, Ramadan is a good time to start or try and implement change in life.  Other things are allowed but should be reduced in Ramadan to make more time for prayer and worship.  This could be things like watching
television, playing board games, spending too much time dressing up, listening to  music, shopping and messing around with mates and so on.

I heard you can't have sex in Ramadan, is this true?

Sex is allowed in Ramadan but not during the fast.  Just like food and drink, a person's natural needs must be fulfilled.  Muslims are normally allowed to eat, drink and have sexual relations so this would be the case in Ramadan but not during the fast when all must be avoided or they could nulify the fast.  When the fast is over for the day, those things that are halal (lawful) may continue but more time should still be spent on worship. 

However, Islam doesn't allow extra-marital relationships so any sexual activity outside of marriage or contrary to Islamic teaching is prohibited and those who may indulge in any such activity are expected to try their very best in Ramadan to abstain with
intent to give up - the same applies to any haraam (prohibited) activities
as mentioned before.

What about all that bowing is that praying?

I think you're referring to prayer.  Muslims prostrate to the Lord in submission.  As I mentioned, Muslims must try to improve and excel in their prayer during the holy month, with extra effort on the regular prayers during the day, not just Friday services.  Both Muslim men and women should make more effort to go the mosque and spend more time studying Islamic knowledge and the Qur'an. 

Attending lectures and being involved in good work, whether it's helping out at the old folk's home or even attending a peace rally, all is encouraged.  During Ramadan, there are special prayers known as the 'Tarawih' service which are performed every
evening at the mosque in congregation.

Adam: How not to use a prayer mat!

When does the fast begin and end?

The fast begins just before dawn when Muslims eat a light meal (suhoor) and confirm their intention to fast for the day.  The fast ends at sunset when the call to prayer (Adhan) is announced.  Eating a date or some water are the recommended and most popular methods of concluding the fast.  The time when the fast ends is known as 'Iftar'.

When you break the fast, do you have to eat Asian food?

Because Islam is not a culture, there is no restriction on what is eaten by Muslims provided it is prepared in the halal manner.  Quite obviously, pork and alcohol are not allowed.  Recommended food items for Muslims include dates, milk, water, honey, olives and figs - all for their nutritional properties and religious significance.  With regards to main meals, anything from fish and chips and spag bol to curries and cous-cous is allowed.

Why do some people stuff themselves when the fast is over?

Those who are fasting should deprive themselves of the meals they would normally have during the times of fast but they shouldn't really eat all they missed once the fast is over as this defeats the whole objective of the fast.  When breaking the fast (of having breakfast, I guess), they should simply have the meal they would on any other day. It is permissible to have a more elaborate feast if one if hosting a 'Iftar' meal for guests as this is considered a good and noble act, in which there is divine reward.

But don't you have to think about the poor?

Yes, Ramadan is also about thinking about the less fortunate and needy although in a lesser degree to improving one's own character over the blessed month.  Not eating and drinking does encourage Muslims do recognise how the poverty-stricken and starving people in the world must bear the burden of daily life and this is why, in Ramadan, many Muslims donate more to charities and why mosques collect more so that people right across the world can have better life and those who donate can gain greater regard for well intentioned actions.

Enlightenment is a must during Ramadhan

So who has to fast, is it everyone?

Not everyone.  Young children are encouraged to learn about fasting but fasting is only obligatory (a must) for anyone beyond adolescence (or over the age of 10 according to some scholars).  Muslims who have medical conditions that prevent or make fasting difficult, those who are not of sound mind or are going through a pregnancy or menstruation cycle as well as those who are too young or too old do not have to fast.  In some circumstances, individuals who cannot fast for any number of reasons may make up the fast at a later date.

What if you need to train at the gym or do sports or something and you know you'll need water?

Ramadan obviously should always be placed first as it is no doubt of greater benefit and only comes around once a year.  It would be a missed opportunity if Muslims who wish to fast, and have the ability to do so, miss out while their brothers and sisters participate around them.  If Muslims feel they can fast and still carry out any high energy activities, then that's fine but if they have to choose because they can't do both, then fasting would be the better option as they can always get in any recreation
or exercise when the fast is over.

Some people call it 'Ramadam', what's that all about?

The month is correctly known as 'Ramadhan' or 'Ramadan', the latter being the more anglicised version.  'Ramadam' is incorrect and is mistakenly used. 'Ramadam-dam-dam', as pronounced by Ali G, is also wrong but you probably
guessed that already.

Don't touch that remote...

When does the month begin?

Islamic months follow the lunar calendar, in the same tradition as the Jewish community.  Therefore, in relation to the solar, or Gregorian, calendar, Islamic and Jewish months will annually differ by around 11 to 12 days.  This means Islamic events will always fall roughly around the same time in the Islamic calendar but always on a different date in the mainstream solar calendar.  This year, Ramadan begins in August depending on the sighting of the moon, and will end approximately 30 days after, sometime in September when Muslims conclude the month with festivities and celebrate Eid.

What's Eid?

Eid, or 'Id, means 'festival' or 'celebration' in Arabic and the festival
following Ramadan is known as 'Eid al-Fitr'. 

I am...

1. TEIAM - problem solved

2. Fighting ninja's on a daily basis

3. The one who stole the frigg'n cookie from the cookie jar.

4. wondering what flavor milkshake "brings all the boys to the yard"

5. smarter then the average bear

6. riding ponies outside Kaufland. . .I need change!!

7. getting a grip on reality..and choking it to death

8. Vini, Vedi, Velcro... I came I saw I stuck around...or not.

9. out making some changes in my life...leave a message and I'll get back to you... if I don't return your message your one of the changes!

10. back...by popular demand!

11. clapping my hands and stomping my feet because I am happy and I know it!

12. a Jedi. Obviously.

13. what Willis was talking about...

14. totally gonna take over the world one day.

15. wondering how much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could Chuck Norris

That Old Sinatra Magic

Tony Bennett salutes Frank Sinatra, for showing the way.

Tony Bennett, 82, lifts a glass to his friend Frank Sinatra at Manhattan’s newly revitalized Monkey Bar. The singer is integrally involved in the Frank Sinatra School of the Arts, in Queens, a public high school he founded in 2001.

Frank Sinatra was my best friend. Seventy years ago this summer, he released his first recordings with the Harry James Orchestra. But my earliest recollection of hearing his voice actually comes from four years before. Every week, as an 11-year-old kid, I would tune in to what was really the first American Idol–type program, a radio show called Major Bowes’ Amateur Hour. The winning group on the evening of September 8, 1935, was called the Hoboken Four, and their spokesman was Frank Sinatra, then aged 19. Even before I heard them sing I was captivated by Sinatra’s confidence. In response to Major Bowes’ booming query “Who will speak for the group?,” Sinatra piped up, “I will. I’m Frankie. We’re looking for jobs—how ’bout it? Everyone that’s ever heard us liked us.” Even Bowes had to chuckle.

By 1939, Sinatra was singing and recording with Harry James, and the magic was spreading. Musicians were the first to notice his uniqueness. In less than a year Sinatra would join one of the best of the big bands, the Tommy Dorsey Orchestra. And I was amazed at how Frank, from studying how T.D. played, learned to extend his breathing, which gave him better vocal control and the ability to sing two or three sentences before taking another breath. That subtle and elegant nuance kept a listener hanging on every word, captivated the imagination, and caused his fans, myself included, to swoon. I couldn’t believe anyone could sing that lovely. When I would see Frank at the Paramount in Manhattan, the streets were so crowded with people hoping to get in to his shows that it looked like New Year’s Eve in Times Square, every day. Obviously, it was beyond my scope as an 11-year-old to imagine that Sinatra would go on to become the first popular singer responsible for mass hysteria from an audience—before Elvis or the Beatles.

But as Sinatra matured, the one element of his singing that had the most lasting impact on me was best articulated by the man himself. He once observed in an interview, “Whatever else has been said about me personally is unimportant. When I sing, I believe. I’m honest.” To me, the hallmark of success in singing is “honesty,” and this is true for all manner of vocalist, from Hank Williams to K. D. Lang, from Billie Holiday to Luciano Pavarotti, to Sinatra himself. The singers who are the most honest are the ones who become immortalized. The writer Pete Hamill once noted that, unlike Bing Crosby’s, Sinatra’s singing “always revealed more than it concealed.” Emotional honesty really became the premise of every record I’ve made and every performance I’ve given.

Sinatra was the featured cover story in the April 23, 1965, edition of Life magazine. It was entitled “Sinatra Opens Up,” and he spoke candidly of how he felt about other singers such as Ella Fitzgerald and Sarah Vaughan. At one point he said, “But for my money Tony Bennett is the best singer in the business. [He] gets across what the composer had in mind, and probably a little more.” I like to think that what he heard in my singing was the same honesty that I, and millions of others, found in his.

I remember an evening in the early 1970s when I was appearing at Caesars Palace in Las Vegas and I got a phone call from one of Sinatra’s closest musician friends, saxophonist Vido Musso. He said Frank wanted to invite me to join him and Vido (who was a superb Italian cook) for dinner after my show, adding, “And bring your pianist, Ralph Sharon.” He gave me an address, which turned out to be a small restaurant way off the Vegas Strip, that would offer privacy. It was just the four of us, and the meal and conversation were memorable. Frank reflected on his life … the ups and downs … the amazing path he’d traveled from that evening with the Hoboken Four in 1935 to becoming “King” of the entertainment world. Toward the end of the evening Sinatra said, “Before we go, I’d really enjoy it if you and Ralph could perform a song.” And in this small room, late in the evening, with Frank Sinatra sitting only a couple feet away, and inspired by our time together that night, I sang a Jerome Kern song. It was a moment I will never forget: “Yesterdays / Yesterdays / Days I knew as sweet / Sequestered days.… Sad am I / Glad am I / For today I’m dreaming / Of yesterdays.”

He started out as Frankie, then became Frank, then the Chairman of the Board and, of course, Ol’ Blue Eyes—but he remained true to himself and his friends … and he was a best friend to me. One of Frank’s favorite toasts: “May you live to be 100 and may the last voice you hear be mine.”

Classic Hollywood Quiz: Doris Day and Rock Hudson

In the weeks leading up to the Turner Classic Movies festival in Los Angeles, VF.com will help you cram your Hollywood history. They'll dust off an article on classic Hollywood from their archives, along with a quiz to make sure you’re paying attention (no Googling allowed!). Today’s quiz relates to James Wolcott’s April 2000 homage to the films of Doris Day and Rock Hudson.

Read "Lovers Come Back,” April 2000

1. What was Rock Hudson’s real name?

A. Norbert Hockenberry
B. Richard Epstein
C. Russell Herbert
D. Roy Scherer
E. Dwayne Johnson

2. In Lover Come Back, what is Doris Day’s character’s profession?

A. Secretary
B. Advertising executive
C. Interior decorator
D. Reporter
E: Circus performer

3. In Pillow Talk, Hudson’s character Brad insinuates that Rex Stetson, the alter ego Brad creates to woo Day’s character, is gay. Which of the following gay stereotypes does Brad NOT attribute to Rex?

A. He’s squeamish
B. He's a gossip
C. He collects recipes
D. He is very devoted to his mother

4. Day and Hudson reunited in 1985 for a news conference to promote the TV show Doris Day’s Best Friends. On what network did that show appear?

A. The Disney Channel
B. Animal Planet
C. PBS
D. TBS Superstation
E. Christian Broadcasting Network

Answers: D, B, A, E

The Top Ten Most Embarrassing CNN Gaffes

In the September issue of Vanity Fair, contributing editor Michael Wolff analyzes the triumphs and failures of CNN, the 30-year-old cable news outlet that’s lately lost some of its once-undisputed cultural relevance to the flashy sensationalism of its more conservative colleague, Fox News. Wolff characterizes CNN’s traditionalist approach to earnest, straightforward news broadcasts as a fatalist acceptance of the rise of punditry. “At CNN, they tend to see the odds as painfully overwhelming—there is just no way to compete with this new desire for opinion and for political identification,” he writes. While the network’s profits are reaching record highs, CNN executives are concerned with their programs’ lack of, as Wolff puts it, “buzz.” This is not exactly true. CNN is a regular component of the cultural conversation—perhaps just not in the way the network intended. Political, entertainment, and journalism blogs are awash in unintentionally delectable, infinitely embarrassing television clips highlighting the network’s typos, gaffes, and malapropisms. After the jump, watch VF Daily’s ten favorite CNN bloopers.

10. Jessica Yellin, Hologram

On election night 2008, Wolf Blitzer checks in with political correspondent Jessica Yellin, who had been beamed into CNN’s New York studios as a hologram. “It looks a little different from a real person there, but it’s pretty remarkable,” the fuzzy-edged Yellin marvels. “It’s still Jessica Yellin and you look like Jessica Yellin and we know you are Jessica Yellin,” Blitzer assures those watching at home who might have been alarmed by Yellin’s inexplicable incarnation.

9. will.i.am: Holograms Again

That same evening, Anderson Cooper, host of the eponymous Anderson Cooper 360, interviewed the holographic manifestation of the Black Eyed Peas’ co-founder will.i.am. The musician was in Chicago at the time, but thanks to CNN’s cutting-edge technology—the likes of which had not been seen since pogs—Cooper was able to receive willi.i.am’s updates.

8. A 20th Anniversary Wolf Blitzer Will Never Forget

Paul Begala invited Wolf Blitzer on the set of Larry King Live to celebrate Blitzer’s 20 years with the network. Begala gifts Blizter with a Washington Wizards jersey (enumerated with a “20”, naturally). “Paul, you didn’t come on here to talk about Elena Kagan!” Blitzer observes. “Well, I don’t know anything about the Supreme Court, but I know the Wizards and I know you,” Begala says. Blitzer laughs; so do we, though likely not for the same reason. Later, the basketball team’s mascot, a blueberry with a growth disorder, presents Blitzer with a red cake.

7. An Eruption of Ignorance

Rick’s List host Rick Sanchez was absolutely confounded by this year’s volcanic eruption in Iceland. “How can you get a volcano in Iceland? When you think of a volcano you think of like, you think of like Hawaii and long words like that,” he says. “Hawaii,” as linguists have proven, has one less letter than “Iceland.” He continues: “You don’t think of Iceland! You think it’s too cold!” Volcanoes, as geologists and generations of elementary school science fair projects have proven, emerge from the reserve of lava just below the Earth’s crust and are independent of the climate of the planet’s surface.

6. Erick Erickson’s Apology and Apologia

CNN contributor and RedState.com editor in chief Erick Erickson appeared on the show Reliable Sources to apologize for some questionable commentary, for example, the following question: “Is Obama shagging hookers behind the media’s back? I assume not. I assume that Obama’s Marxist harpy wife would go Lorena Bobbit on him should he even think about it?” Erickson explains that he made these comments “a lifetime ago.” Actually, it was spring 2008, two years before CNN hired him, evidently desirous to air his opinions on their programs.

5. The Hunt for Obama

Wolf Blitzer apologizes on behalf of the entire Situation Room staff for accidentally mislabeling a graphic within a “Hunt for Osama” segment with President Obama’s name. (“Where is Obama?” an image asked.) “We want to apologize for that bad typo,” Blitzer says, and announces that he will be personally calling Obama to offer his condolences.

4. Beer, There and Everywhere

In the lead-up to President Obama’s meeting with Harvard professor Skip Gates following the latter’s unlawful arrest outside his own home, a palpitating CNN embedded a beer summit countdown clockin the network’s news ticker. As CNN counted down the seconds to the summer picnic, news flashes like “bombings kill at least 15 in Iraq” whizzed by unnoticed by anchors. The network’s coverage of the actual event was equally breathless.

3. “Obviously, for Those of You That Heard It, It Was the Wrong Music

At the end of a segment about a Pennsylvania woman who drives at the age of 103—perhaps a hard-hitting investigation on reckless endangerment?—CNN scored footage of the woman getting into her car with a selection from Coolio. After realizing that the song, “Fantastic Voyage,” contained the lyric “ain’t no punk-ass nigga’s set trippin’,” the cagey anchor announced that the show had used “the wrong music.” “It was a terrible mistake, and we’re working very hard to make up for it,” she explains.

2. Thriller

Immediately after news of Michael Jackson’s death broke, the King of Pop’s ghost appeared to haunt Anderson Cooper’s coverage of Janet Jackson’s reaction. The singer presumably had unfinished business with the network’s graphics department.

1. In Which Roman Polanski Murdered Larry King’s Misconceptions in Cold Blood

Debra Tate stopped by Larry King Live to discuss the ongoing Roman Polanski extradition saga. This would prove to be an unwise choice. Before Debra’s sister Sharon Tate was murdered by Charles Manson in 1969, she was married to the embattled film director. King asks Tate if she ever speaks to Polanski; she replies that she has, yes. “How can you have a civil conversation with someone who so brutally murdered your sister,” King asks, not afraid to pose the tough questions.

Someone now cue the “right music”!

by Juli Weiner 

August 5, 2010, 12:00 AM

What'll it be ladies?

Excerpted from Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn?, by Pamela Keogh, to be published in October by Gotham Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA), Inc.; © 2010 by the author.

1. DURING TIMES OF STRESS, YOU ...

a) go for a walk on the beach.

b) meditate.

c) pour gin in your tea.

2. FOR YOU, SEX IS ...

a) uncomplicated and fun!

b) a way of saying, “Thank you.”

c) a means to an end.

3. BEFORE YOU MEET A MAN FOR DINNER, YOU ...

a) shave your legs.

b) run a Dun & Bradstreet on the guy.

c) break out your tippy-tallest Manolos and hope for the best.

4. YOU WAKE UP EVERY MORNING ...

a) with your day completely planned.

b) and do whatever you feel like.

c) turn to the person next to you, and say, “Hello, dear.”

5. YOUR CHILDHOOD IS SOMETHING ...

a) not discussed.

b) to be celebrated.

c) you've been running from your whole life.

6. YOUR FATHER ...

a) loved you and gave you confidence.

b) was Clark Gable.

c) taught you to throw a football.

7. YOUR MOTHER ...

a) scares the hell out of you.

b) left you all of her Balenciaga and Schlumberger.

c) secretly loves your little sister (you know, the “pretty one”) more.

8. AFTER YOU SLEEP WITH SOMEONE FOR THE FIRST TIME, HE ...

a) offers you the lead in his movie.

b) asks you to marry him.

c) has a Cartier bibelot on the breakfast tray.

9. IN YOUR OPINION, MONEY IS ...

a) everything.

b) no, we mean it—everything.

c) not that important—as long as you have a roof over your head and Veuve Clicquot in the fridge, you're cool.

10. MEETING YOUR FUTURE MOTHER-IN-LAW FOR THE FIRST TIME, YOU ...

a) convert to Judaism.

b) brush up on your French.

c) eschew underwear.

11. FORMER BEAUX KEEP UP WITH YOU ...

a) on Facebook.

b) on the front page of The New York Times.

c) they don't. They're still devastated by the breakup. They'll never get over it. Never.

12. YOUR BEST FRIEND IS ...

a) your roommate from prep school.

b) your hairdresser, makeup artist, stand-in, publicist, housekeeper, majordomo, Peggy Siegal—or some varying combination.

c) just you, baby. Just you.

VF.COM EXCLUSIVE QUESTIONS

13. WHO SAID, “ALL MEN ARE RATS AND CANNOT BE TRUSTED?”

a) Jackie’s father, John “Black Jack” Bouvier

b) Gloria Steinem

c) Marilyn Monroe in Some Like It Hot

14. WHO SAID, “JUST GIVE ME CHAMPAGNE AND GOOD FOOD AND I’M IN HEAVEN AND LOVE”?

a) Oprah Winfrey

b) Ina Garten

c) Marilyn Monroe

15. OF THESE MODERN-DAY CELEBRITIES, WHO IS THE LEAST MARILYN-ESQUE?

a) Madonna

b) Scarlett Johansson

c) Lindsay Lohan

ANSWER KEY

To Determine Scoring:
Tally up your responses, giving yourself one “Jackie” point for each question you answered about her correctly and one “Marilyn” point for each correct Marilyn answer. Whichever score is highest corresponds to your predominant archetype. In case of a tie, you are either kidding yourself or are Uma Thurman.

1) a) Jackie
b) Jackie
c)Marilyn

2) a) Marilyn
b) Marilyn
c) Jackie

3) a) Marilyn
b) Jackie
c) Marilyn

4) a) Jackie
b) Marilyn
c) either

5) a) Marilyn
b) Jackie
c) Marilyn

6) a) Jackie
b) Marilyn
c) neither

7) a) either
b) Jackie
c) Jackie

8) a) Marilyn
b) Marilyn
c) Jackie

9) a) Jackie
b) Jackie
c) Marilyn

10) a) Marilyn
b) Jackie
c) Marilyn (of course)

11) a) neither
b) either
c) Marilyn

12) a) Jackie
b) Marilyn
c)Marilyn

13) a) Black Jack Bouvier 

14) c) Marilyn Monroe

15) a) Madonna while she may have looked like MM in her youth, her MO is pure JKO.